IN AN UNPRECEDENTED AND ODD MOVE, IRISH TITAN CEO, DARIN LYNCH, CONSIDERS LAWSUIT AGAINST HIMSELF OVER BAT POLE INJURY.
MINNEAPOLIS, MN, April 1, 2019 - Irish Titan is a full service agency specializing in ecommerce and strategic digital solutions. The organization is primarily known for its lime green walls, knack for shenanigans, and in-office bat pole. Lynch and the team moved into the office in early 2016 designing it around the office culture, which, of course, resulted in a bat pole. From then on, every employee was required to sign a waiver to excuse the company from any potential mishaps. Every employee, that is, except Lynch, which, unbeknownst to the Founder (that is, himself), would eventually result in a fiasco of his own making.
“I always knew Darin as an unconventional no-nametag kind of guy, someone who doesn’t always play by the rules. But I never imagined it would result in something like this. From an HR standpoint, it’s just about every company’s worst nightmare.” - JE Urseth, Engagement Director.
Each year, Irish Titan hosts their “St. Titans Day” bash. An employee-only get together planned by the team members hired since the previous year’s St. Titan’s Day party. The event involves games, contests, alcoholic beverages and to their detriment - shenanigans.
From interviews with the Titans (that is, employees), the day started off like any normal “St. Titans Day”. There was a starchy morning breakfast bar, a pizza bar for lunch, and snacks throughout the day to soak up any excessive alcohol indulgence. This year’s shenanigans included a bat pole race, and to take extra precautions against possible injuries, the planning team ordered Titan-branded helmets and “strongly encouraged” each member to wear them. And each Titan did, with the exception of Lynch - who refused to take off his top hat in place of a helmet.
“Look, I’m a fun guy and all but even I know the limits. Lynch should have taken off the hat, plain and simple.” - Max Kasel, Digital Project Manager
To make the already delicate situation worse, Lynch refused to put down his freshly poured beer to participate in the race. All the Titans knew this was bad. Even Ronan, the Great Dane, knew this was bad as he attempted to block the bat pole entrance from Lynch, leaning against the entrance gate.
Oblivious to the risky situation at hand, or possibly too tipsy to care, Lynch pushed past Ronan and proceeded down the bat pole with top hat and beer in tow. As anyone could have seen coming, Lynch sustained minor physical injuries and, unfortunately, lost the bat pole race… and more importantly his beer, which ended up spilling all over his crushed top hat. The Titans ended the event unsure of Lynch’s condition and now unsure of Irish Titan’s future.
It’s reported that the potential lawsuit could cost Irish Titan more than $2.4 billion, with a verdict in favor going to...Irish Titan? Many are speculating that this lawsuit comes in reaction to not only the minor physical injuries sustained by Lynch but the major injuries sustained to his ego.
In further news, it has been announced that you have just been April Fooled. The Irish Titan team would like to you for taking part in their April Fools Day shenanigans. However, the team is even more thankful that Irish Titan still obtains the only [bat] pole in St. Louis Park, MN. Sorry, SLP Fire Stations.
For additional information, contact:
Titan Times, 612.200.1015